


Confidence

by Ginipig



Series: Cullistair One-Shots [6]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Commanding Cullen, Couple Argument, M/M, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:53:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22298881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ginipig/pseuds/Ginipig
Summary: Alistair loves watching Cullen be confident and commanding, but he wishes he could see that side of him more often. Cullen does not react well to this information.
Relationships: Alistair/Cullen Rutherford, cullistair - Relationship
Series: Cullistair One-Shots [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604995
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Confidence

Alistair entered Cullen’s office silently and, since Cullen was still meeting with his officers, leaned up against the wall, crossing his arms to watch the Commander of the Inquisition at work.

Cullen — there was truly no other word for it — _commanded_ the room in every way. The soldiers who served under him respected his military expertise as well as his personal experiences as a Templar. He was serious, but not unkind, and his praise, when given, was genuine and thus greatly prized.

Alistair loved to see the utter confidence Cullen exuded when in his element. But rarely did he get to appreciate it, since —

The moment Cullen saw Alistair, he smiled, and immediately fumbled whatever he was discussing.

Everyone turned in the direction Cullen looked, staring at Alistair with expressions ranging from annoyance to gently teasing smiles.

Cullen’s cheeks reddened, and he looked away, clearing his throat. “As I was saying …”

Though Cullen continued to issue orders, the damage had been done. He tried to recover, but his command of the meeting was undermined by the frequent flicks of his gaze back to Alistair, who tried not to be disappointed. Gone were Cullen’s exceeding competence and effortless confidence, replaced by the blushing, stuttering, awkward former Templar, all due to him merely seeing Alistair standing in his office.

Adorable and sweet? Of course. An enormous part of what Alistair loved about him? Absolutely. But Alistair always got to see his cute, gentle, awkward Cullen. It was the hot, confident commander side that always seemed to evaporate when he entered the room.

“Dismissed,” Cullen said finally, to a chorus of _Yes, ser_ s and a parade of officers sending Alistair knowing smirks as they left.

Alistair rolled his eyes but stayed where he was until the last door was closed. Then he pushed himself off the wall and crossed to the desk, where Cullen was still blushing and rubbing the back of his neck.

“I wasn’t expecting you until this evening.” Cullen regarded Alistair with that cute lopsided smile of his.

“I wanted to surprise you.”

Cullen wrapped his arms around Alistair’s waist, resting their foreheads against each other. “And what a delightful surprise it is.” He leaned in and kissed Alistair, who returned it.

Not well enough, apparently, because Cullen frowned and asked, “What’s wrong?”

Alistair shook his head. “Nothing.”

But Cullen pulled away, crossing his arms. “You are a terrible liar.”

“So are you!”

“Which is only one of many reasons I endeavor not to engage in that particular sin.” Cullen tilted his head and regarded Alistair for a moment before asking more softly this time, “What’s going on? Did something happen?”

Oh, for Maker’s sake. So much for not trying to show his disappointment. Now he had to tell Cullen the truth, lest he jump to the worst possible conclusion.

“You’re scaring me,” Cullen continued. “Was it something I did?”

Exactly like that.

“No!” Alistair practically shouted. “It’s not — it’s a little thing you don’t need to be worried about.”

“Then why can’t you just tell me?”

Alistair groaned in frustration. “Because you already overthink everything and …” He sighed, all fight leaving him. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

“Hurt my feelings?” Cullen sneered at that. “I assure you, Alistair, I have tougher skin than that. I’m more bothered by the fact that you don’t trust me enough to share your concerns with me.”

Maker, how had this spiraled out of control so quickly? Especially over something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things?

“Fine,” he said in as normal a tone as possible, given the circumstances. “But you have to let me finish before you say anything, and keep in mind that I love you and this is just a little thing that _you_ made into a big deal —”

“Andraste’s blood, Alistair, spit it out!”

Alistair winced. That was the most violent curse Cullen ever used, reserved for when he was incredibly upset or worried. In this case, he was probably both.

So Alistair took a deep breath and, as he rarely did, considered his words carefully. “I like watching you do your job, being all confident and commanding, but only when you can’t see me. _Because_ …” he added, holding up a hand to stop Cullen from interrupting. “When you do see me, you get all adorable and cute and awkward. Which is great! I love it! But …” He shrugged. “Sometimes I just wish I could see Cullen the Confident Commander more.”

Cullen blinked several times. “If I’m understanding correctly,” he began softly, “you’re saying that you prefer to watch me secretly because when I see you I’m not confident enough?”

“Yes!” Alistair said. But when Cullen’s jaw twitched, he replayed the words in his head and heard how they might have sounded to Cullen. “No! I mean, that’s not exactly the most generous reading —”

Cullen’s laugh was disbelieving and — though he clearly tried to hide it — slightly hurt. “I see. So now I also lack the _generosity_ to always see everything your way? Forgive me for having my own opinions and feelings which I apparently lack the confidence to express.”

Alistair threw up his hands. “This is why I didn’t want to bring it up! You’re constantly overthinking things! I didn’t mean _any_ of that!”

“At least I’m actually thinking,” Cullen snapped, “instead of saying the first thing that comes to mind.”

“That’s not fair.” Alistair’s voice, as it always did when words hit a particularly tender spot, softened to almost a whisper. “You assumed the worst, then insisted I tell you immediately what was going on without giving me the chance to find the right way to phrase it.”

Cullen spun around, stalked to his desk, and leaned on it for support, palms flat.

Alistair followed him, placing what he hoped was a comforting hand on Cullen’s shoulder. “I haven’t seen you in a week, and the last thing I want to do is fight. I’m just …” He sighed, wanting to fix this. “Tired. You know I can barely function at all when I haven’t slept or eaten properly.” It was a small test joke, taking aim at his own foolishness, and he hoped Cullen would agree.

Instead, Cullen bowed his head and said nothing.

Alistair’s heart sank. This was not the reunion he’d dreamt about for the past several days. Why did he always ruin things?

He squeezed Cullen’s shoulder and turned to leave. Cullen usually needed to be alone after their arguments.

He was almost at the door when Cullen asked, “Do you know why I always get so nervous?”

Alistair shook his head, then turned to find Cullen still hunched over his desk, back to him. So he added, “Why?”

Cullen seemed to sigh with his whole body. “Because never in my life has the Maker blessed me with anything as wonderful as you. And I’m afraid that one day I’ll do or say something stupid and you’ll wake up and realize —” He shifted, lifting his hand to his face. “The only thing I want in all of Thedas is to be worthy of you.”

Alistair didn’t know he’d moved until he was at Cullen’s side, resting a hand on the arm covering his face. “Cullen.”

Cullen tried to turn away, but Alistair wouldn’t let him, peeling Cullen’s hand from his face and forcing those amber eyes to meet his own.

The shame and _fear_ in them made his heart ache.

“Cullen.” He placed a hand on either of Cullen’s cheeks, cradling him like the most precious treasure in all of Thedas — which he was. “There is nothing that you can do that would make you unworthy in my eyes.”

Cullen attempted to shake his head, but Alistair held tight.

“Okay, wrong word,” he corrected. “There is nothing that you _would_ do that would make you unworthy in my eyes. Sure, you could, say, run an innocent person through with your sword, but I know you never would. I swear to you on the souls of all the friends I’ve ever lost, and everyone I’m afraid to lose. And you’re right at the top of that list.”

Cullen’s beautiful eyes shone bright, nearly overflowing.

“I love you,” Alistair said, resting their foreheads together. “Nothing you do will ever change that. I don’t care if you don’t believe me. I’ll say it and prove it until you do.”

And he pressed the sweetest, lightest kiss to Cullen’s lips before pulling Cullen into his arms, where Cullen rested his head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Cullen whispered.

“No, _I’m_ sorry. All I was trying to say was that I find you incredibly attractive when you’re taking charge and ordering people around. And that I wish I could see that more.”

He felt Cullen smile into his neck. “I’ll see what I can do about that.” Then Cullen’s embrace tightened suddenly, so intense Alistair nearly started to cry. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too. And for what it’s worth …” His voice warbled dangerously. “You’re the most wonderful thing to happen in my life, too. No one’s ever loved me enough to worry about _me_ leaving.” He forced a chuckle. “Usually they can’t wait to be rid of me.”

“Those people never knew what they were missing. Imbeciles, the lot of them.” Cullen kissed his cheek and pulled away. “I’m glad you’re back early.”

Alistair grinned. “Me too.”

“Dinner tonight?”

“I haven’t had a decent meal in over a week.”

Cullen raised an eyebrow. “So … you won’t be able to wait for dinner?”

“For you, love,” Alistair said, laughing, “I’ll try. Or maybe have a second dinner.”

“Let’s assume the latter.” Cullen moved to the chair behind his desk but didn’t sit. “I’m afraid I have to return to work.”

“Of course. I’ll stop by later.”

Once again, Cullen spoke when Alistair was at the door. “I plan to work on it. My, er … confidence.”

Alistair smiled. “I love you no matter what.”

As he closed the door behind him, he thought he heard a soft, “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> This one was originally going in a different, much lighter and cheekier direction. But it got angsty (I does what I do), and I feel like credit for the shape of the emotions should go to Womby ([Gowombat83](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gowombat83/pseuds/Gowombat83)) and this Cullistair poetical waxing:
> 
> "Cullen is perfect for Alistair because Cullen would fucking CHERISH him! And doing so would give Cullen something to live for, would give him strength, and comfort. And Alistair deserves to be cherished, and Cullen deserves all the patience and love and comfort Ali would give him in return. They would be so wholly and uncompromisingly devoted to one another. And they would each believe to the very depths of their soul that they were the luckiest man in the world to be loved by the other."
> 
> Such poetry, and a perfect description of how I see them <3


End file.
